Trips & Tales

American Flyers Lead Assault on Navajo Nation...

General Lynd says Anasazi ruins show evidence of hostile intent

by Rich Marin • May 10, 2003

Chinle, AZ – An elite unit of the Marine Corps on special assignment to handle the terrorist threat in the southwestern United States today overwhelmed hostile forces in the region known as Canyon de Chelly. This unit, code named American Flyers, is a detachment of the well-known Delta Force specializing in extreme undercover motorized anti-terrorist assaults.

Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld commented, “AFMC is a vital part of our coalition strategy. These forces deploy representatives from all regions and strategic fields and are indicative of the broad support our global anti-terrorist effort enjoys. We are proud of their overwhelming success today and are anxious to move on to the rehabilitation stage of our plan for this region and these fine Navajo people.”

The action took the form of an amphibious assault on hidden encampments in the north fork of Canyon de Chelly, ominously called by locals Canyon del Muerto (Canyon of Death). In deference to new front-line anti-discriminatory policies, the unit was comprised of 6 women, 9 men, 1 quasi-German Coke Light Man and 3 Bob’s (a Scotsman and a CEO were on the squad but both went AWOL directly prior to the assault). It should be noted that several reserve Bob’s (specifically Chicago Bob and Virginia Bob) remain attached to the unit for future sorties.

Staging for the assault was at 0900 today at the Thunderbird Lodge in Chinle. The motorized unit arrived on 14 coalition motorcycles consisting of 5 BMW’s (German origin), 7 Honda’s (Japanese origin), 1 Triumph (British origin with special high seating for Col. “Tippie-Toe” Sweeney) and 1 Native American Indian (special undercover unit). It is generally understood that Harley Davidson is planning to file a formal protest for its exclusion from the coalition and Jeff Bleustein, CEO of HD stated, “We coulda been a contender…. Since who better to kick an Indian’s ass than a Harley?”

The AFMC unit was then loaded into a special UMOG truck for transport into the Canyon itself. Local Navajo guide Daniel and his son Milton drove the vehicle into the Canyon through the treacherous currents of the Chinle Wash. When asked why he would enlist in an effort such as this against his own people, Daniel said, “My great-grandfather was a scout for the Cavalry, my grandfather was with Teddy Roosevelt on San Juan Hill, my father was a Windtalker in the Pacific. I never made it to Vietnam and I felt this was my chance to pass along my heritage to my son. Besides, we come from the South Fork of the Canyon and these Navajo up here are very different. They are part of that Four Corners crowd that charges us to get into their parks. Now THAT’s un-American.”

Bin Laden and Hussein Spotted in Canyon de Chelly Cliff Dwelling

After criss-crossing the Chinle Wash several times, the AFMC forces encountered resistance from several Navajo locals masquerading as jewelry vendors. Cautioned by intelligence officers to avoid local contact, the well-trained staff held their ground and allowed the seemingly innocent, almost child-like suspects to pass. When departing, the unit’s trained signalmen noticed a seemingly friendly hand gesture, which is believed to have been a signal to Navajo operatives in the surrounding cliff dwellings to take cover. Surveillance photographs of the scene reveal shadowy figures in the rear of the caves that the CIA has confirmed may be those of Ossama Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein. The photographs depict two men smoking a very small Navajo peace pipe with big smiles on their faces and playing a card game (the figure assumed to be Bin Laden appears to hold a full house of 3 Tony Blairs and 2 Colin Powells, while Hussein has only two pair of Schroeders and Chiracs.)

Unfortunately, this photographic evidence only came to light after return of the AFMC forces from the region. It is suspected that the surprise assault may have driven the fugitive terrorists into hiding in another region of the world. Speculation suggests that the Amish of upstate New York may be harboring the duo. Intercepted communications from AFMC officers implies planning is underway for another op in the near future.

Secret Zionist Tunnel Exposed

This AFMC mission had its origins in the quiet hills of the Wasatch Mountains on May 6th. The squad gathered from around the country, as is its practice. General Walter Lynd arrived early with Lt. Sandy Lynd, Postmistress General of Romulus, NY. Colonels, Einstein (ret.), Sweeney, Bielman, and Karry and Lt. Commander Forrester were joined by Lieutenants Jean Kirby and Barbara O’Connell, Two new recruits to the unit, Major Tim Mills and Lt. JG Corene McGovern had the opportunity to do their qualification mission under actual attack environment.

The mission was staffed by Master Sgt. Marin (Logistics), Cpl. Schuman (Provisions) and Pvt. Johnson (Transportation and Massage Therapy). Pvt. Wells (an AFMC lifer) was on base restriction for various undisclosed infractions and remained in Utah. Special operatives “Seattle Bob”, “Georgia Bob”, “Vermont Bob” and “Coke Light Man” were also involved. “Chief” Frank O’Connell’s involvement was only made public after the mission was over (by request of Audax).

First night briefings were SOP with Windy Ridge ration cartons for all.

First day training included, getting out of bed on time, remembering where all gear and helmets were stowed, not whining about a little snowy/sleety/rainy weather and splitting into three groups to reconvene for chow at midday. Resourcefulness under fire is key to the success of the AFMC squad. Despite several broken play scenarios planned out in advance, it was not anticipated that two members would get completely lost within the first _ mile of the mission. Nevertheless, all squad members were able to rendezvous as scheduled for lunch at the Big Rock Candy Mountain Restaurant on Rt. 89.

The afternoon mission was to seek out a minor Zionist threat in southern Utah and reclaim a long missing-in-action squad member, Maj. Peter Dove (a.k.a. The Flying Scotsman). The boldness of the Zionist cell was startling given that the squad discovered countless road signs detailing the directions to Zion. Only $20 per bike and one roadblock later, the AFMC squadron found itself at the mouth of the troubling cave. Upon advancing into the cave they discovered that it was indeed now a full-blown tunnel, breaking through to a massive red rock canyon. Explosive tailings and several failed exit attempts in sheer cliff walls made clear what had gone before. The Terrorists had evidently burrowed the cave into a tunnel, failed to properly calculate exit scenarios (a common problem among terrorists and venture capitalists these days) until finally finding an egress to escape.

The AFMC squad did engage Maj. Dove, who questioned why AFMC was bothering such peace-loving peoples as the Zionists and Navajo. Despite several beers at the Rocking V Restaurant in Kanab and a few challenges by other squad members to “Snap out of it!”, Maj. Dove was finally remanded to San Jose for anti-brainwashing exercises. Dove is expected to return to his normal Hawk standards soon.

Desert Storm ... Massive Navajo Attic Fans Suspected Culprits

Day two of the sortie was scheduled for a North Rim recon followed by a Golden Circle Run to the South Rim. It became clear that the enemy was one step ahead of the AFMC squadron as another unusual roadblock was encountered at Jacob’s Lake, the entrance to the North Rim. Satellite imagery indicated that this road should have been open for travel, but local rebels apparently interceded and maintained the block until 6am the following morning, long after the AFMC unit had deployed out of the area.

Vermillion Cliffs and the Hydroelectric Dam at Page were fully explored and tagged by the AFMC unit for future unspecified military purposes. The unit broke for chow from Subway overlooking Vermillion Cliffs, while fraternizing with the local Navajo and extracting various totems and fetishes. They confiscated massive quantities of suspected weapons in the form of stone arrowheads.

During the excursion across the not-so-Painted Desert on the Eastern side of the Grand Canyon, a 50 mph wind arose from nowhere, creating a dust storm aimed precisely at a 90 degree angle to the path of the AFMC convoy. This desert storm filled the American Flyers with shock and awe. Never before had nature thrown such a hazard at them. General Lynd suffered serious facial discomfort to his starboard side given his unwillingness to yield the advance and replace his open-faced helmet with proper protective clothing. The AFMC manual advises a full bio-chemical protective suit with mittens and booties for such occasions.

Records seized from the U-Rent-It Center in Kayenta revealed that Navajo agents, upon learning of the impending AFMC attack, had set up massive fan units to the West of Rt. 89 and had been informed of the advance by the Vermillion Ridge civilian Navajo’s once the AFMC unit had departed with the confiscated Navajo weaponry.

Nevertheless, the AFMC unit made camp at Maswick Lodge in the Grand Canyon National Park. Gen. Lynd authorized extra rations of scotch and bourbon for medicinal purposes. Dinner briefing was held at the Steakhouse just south of the Park, where Navajo agents were dressed like cowboys and served hearty portions of steak, potatoes and other heavy foods to induce sluggishness in the squadron.

The Navajo tactic worked exceptionally well as the AFMC squadron chose to arise early for a Sunrise Canyon vigil on Day Three, but then chose to breakfast casually at El Tovar, spend time wandering the Canyon Rim and generally give the enemy the advantage of preparation.

Grand Canyon Hoax.... Ever Wonder What Made Such a Big Hole?

As the AFMC squadron headed north for the final push to Chinle, it lost one of its finest members to the siren call of hearth, home and email. Col. Steve Larsen, a standard bearer on missions gone by was forced to retire early due to a diagnosis of Reversionary CEO Stress Syndrome (a.k.a. Business Battle Fatigue). This malaise racks many of the AFMC veterans and at various times has felled Col. O’Connell, “Georgia Bob”, Col. Sweeney and even Mstr. Sgt. Marin. Other unique maladies that sometimes cripple this elite unit include Riskitosis Thrownoffthebikus (Lt. Jean Kirby with an assist by “Georgia Bob”), Pleaseohoneyitsnotsobad Syndrome (Col. Bielman), Just-Can’t-Make-It attacks (Col. Jay Ladd, Col. Russ Gerson and “Chicago Bob”) and Kiwi Itch (PFC’s Peter and Karen Brine, recently demoted). Only Col. (ret.) Einstein seems immune to all maladies since he just refuses to hear of it, right Arthur…. I said, RIGHT ARTHUR!?

As the squad looked out over the Grand Canyon as it exited to the East on Rt. 63, they noticed a vague similarity in the Canyon landscape from each of several vantage points. This troubling perspective concern raised the question of whether the North Rim had been closed for a reason. Was this the real Grand Canyon? Had the local Navajo used the winter closure of the Kaibab Forrest of the North Rim to perpetrate a massive hoax by setting up a Grand Canyon backdrop directly to the north of the South Rim viewing spots? Military engineers say that this is a physical possibility, but that there is no evidence that it has occurred and there is even less sense of what would motivate such a shrek. Private speculation (NB – this is not official AFMC doctrine) among squadron members is that the Navajo may have used the Canyon for massive explosive testing, thereby making it larger and needing to cover up the activity with Canyonesque backdrops.

As should have been expected, the ride to Chinle across the Hopi Nation was less than the unit hopied for. The Hopi are clearly in cahoots with the Navajo since taped conversations with a Hopi mini-mart attendant revealed a Hopi version of “You can’t get there from here” in answer to direct questioning about a place for lunch. The “I’ve never been in that direction” answer along with the “Check the next Mesa over” replies was clearly an attempt to misdirect the unit from its appointed mission.

The Kayenta U-Rent-It apparently had a two-day special on those fan units since the ride north to Chinle gave rise to a similar sand storm to the prior day.

After washing the road dust off, the AFMC unit held its pre-attack dinner at the Holiday Inn, intended as a diversionary tactic for any local militia…. Since who would ever guess that such an elite, urbane squad would be caught dead dining at the Holiday Inn. Cpl. Schuman is expected to recover from her own version of dietary shock and awe in several months time.

Navajo Nation Launches Hostile Counter-Bid for Indian Moto-cycles ... Curious Low Bid of $50,000,001 Stymies Wall Street

As a postscript to this amazing story it needs to be noted that the terrorist threat presented by groups such as the Navajo Nation can never be understated. The obvious manner of attack is to inflict direct harm on our population. The secondary tactic is to harbor other terrorists such as Bin Laden, Hussein, Wayne Newton (a known Navajo) and perhaps even Jimmy Hoffa. However, the most insidious tactic of all is to attack our very way of life by undercutting our economic strength. These people are not trinket salesmen. They do not make their living weaving blankets. Through skillful legal and political influence manipulation, they have overtaken our gambling industry, which as everyone knows is the heart of all illegal money laundering and tax evasion schemes. They have now built a bigger cash hoard than the Mafia and are actively seeking legitimate businesses to plow ill-gotten capital into.

During the Fourth Day’s ride north from Chinle after a successful op, the AFMC unit bivouacked for a picnic lunch overlooking Monument Valley. There. Chief O’Connell proudly displayed his Indian motorcycle as a virtual “scalp” of the successful search and destroy mission just ended. Trophy photos were being taken and Chief O’Connell jokingly mentioned his willingness to sell the steed for a further $50 million to finance the operations of Indian Moto-cycles.

Is it any coincidence that the next day the Board of Indian received a bid for the company from the Native American Cultural Coalition (a known front for the Navajo Nation) for $50,000,001? More than just a bid, it is feared by company executives that NACC is making noises threatening litigation against the brand, thereby scaring off other potential investors and buyers.

Chairman O’Connell has publicly stated, “What will become of this brand if we let Indians run Indian? Can’t these people take a joke?”

Meanwhile, at NACC headquarters, Chief Bob Doubles-Down-On-Nines has said, “The white man has stolen our land, killed our Tatanka and co-opted our youth by sending them to places like Harvard and Stanford. They exploit our name and all they can do is sell 5,500 units? We envision a day when our people rightly own all Indian brands and we have lined up numerous far-eastern suppliers to outsource the entire operation and make the IRR on this puppy a triple digit play. The white man has no stomach for that, they are weak and we are strong.” Goldman Sachs and The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints represent and back NACC.

Jeff Bleustein of Harley Davidson, when told of this development said, “Uh-oh.”

Moab Welcomes Returning AFMC Veterans

The Desert Bistro Café of Moab, Utah once again hosted the American Flyers as they wrapped up another successful mission. Col. Sweeney and his trusty sidekick, Augie would be leaving for parts unknown in the morning. The Karry twins would head east to rescue the world from homely male soda pop models. The early crew would set off to make planes to Georgia, New York and Timbuktu. The body of the corps would linger for light shopping in Moab and mosey on up to Park City for a casual evening at Base Camp. The weather was fine and the Duschene Corridor was as twisty and empty as ever.

That evening the unit was introduced to yet a new prospective member in the form of Willo, significant other to “Seattle Bob”

All that remained was to hose down the gear, destroy the relevant mission documents and check the emails for the next sortie.

The AFMC Unit of Delta Force has been organized and operative since 1996. Only one of its 6 founding members (Col. O’Connell, Col. (ret.) Einstein, Lt. Commander Forrester, Mstr. Sgt. Marin, Pvt. Wells and Capt. (MIA) Larry Klane) is not currently serving active duty. The full squad consists of 40 active members including pillion riders and support staff. In it’s eight-year existence, AFMC has operated both domestically and abroad. They have run 23 missions, each a success in its own right. Their job is to make this country strong and safe by rooting out evil and terrorism wherever it resides.


Mstr. Sgt. Marin has been an embedded reporter of AFMC missions for eight years. He is a master of disguise, most recently masquerading as both a Venture Capitalist and a BPO Roll-Up Artist. In the past he has been an airline pilot, a gynecologist, an Asst. Attorney General of the State of Maine, an oil well fire fighter and a banker. His video credits include HBO’s Subway Stories and one unaired episode of Seinfeld. He has written and published numerous articles on the subject of dysfunctional aging groups that seek youth through thrill sports and vivid imagination. He lives alone and fewer and fewer friends and family write or stop by the more he writes about them.

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